A Cup of Charles

I'll burn it out

2009-04-02T06:08:00.000+08:00

I'm so pleased with myself. This is the first song I've written in quite a long time now.

Nuclear

By J. Charles Lacson

Red circles whirling through my head
In candy sheets and sweetened thread.
Bitter seeds and a melting sun
Protect me from the peppermint man.

I never know
When the boiling ink will spoil my day.
I never know
When an angry breeze will blow my sail.

Can't the world just give me a chance?
Just hear me out,
Just hear me out.
Can't the world just give me some time?
I'll burn it out,
I'll burn it out.

My blood in a coffee cup
Stains his shirt and burns his crotch.
An angry voice and a sheltered mind
You could never trust them to be kind.

I never know
When a selfish god will burn my soul.
I never know
When the cloudy sky will eat me whole.

Can't the world just give me a chance?
Just hear me out,
Just hear me out.
Can't the world just give me some time?
I'll burn it out,
I'll burn it out.

My S.O.P.

2009-03-31T06:52:00.000+08:00

This is the statement of purpose (SOP) that I used when applying to PhD programs:

Cancer is a very elusive disease since it involves various genes, pathways, and mechanisms, most of which are still being investigated. But with what we already know about Cancer, we have saved many lives and alleviated the quality of life of many terminal cancer patients. Most prominently, we have identified cancer genes such as BRCA1 and BRCA2 for breast cancer, and have been screening patients for mutations in these genes, and doing our best to prevent the disease from ever occurring. However, even with BRCA1 and BRCA2, the risk of a patient to develop breast cancer is still variable, ranging from 20-80%, indicating a possible involvement of other genes and pathways. Thus, it is mandatory to determine better prognostic markers in order to increase the efficiency of preventive medicine programs. This is the cardinal reason why I am interested in pursuing a Ph.D. in Molecular Epidemiology, or a related field involved in studying cancer pathogenesis and improving the prevention of the disease.

I was first cognizant of cancer and its treatment and diagnosis while I was completing my undergraduate degree in De La Salle University in Manila, Philippines. I majored in pre-med physics, which had a curriculum that included fundamental pre-med courses, and a concentration on basic biomedical physics courses, which explored radiation therapy, medical imaging, and medical instrumentation. The gist of my undergraduate education was the diagnosis and treatment of cancer through the application of medical physics concepts, such as in doing Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scans and the use of the Linear Accelerator (LINAC) in radiation therapy. I culminated my undergraduate studies by writing a thesis that investigated the protective effect of Vitamin E (α-Tocopherol) against X-ray(LINAC)-induced chromosome lesions in peripheral blood lymphocytes. My thesis partner and I concluded that the protective effect is significant when compared to the absence of any antioxidants, but that the avoidance of exposure is still imperative. However, The study was not published due to a limited sample size.

Nonetheless, when doing the literature review for my undergraduate thesis, the fact that chromosomal lesions can induce cancer piqued my interest. I was curious about how DNA damage causes cells to either go through apoptosis or become cancerous. This led me to pursue a Masters of Science degree in Biology at California State University-Northridge (CSUN), focusing on molecular genetics, to explore further how genes are involved in the pathogenesis of cancer, as well as other diseases. I was fortunate enough to work in the lab of Dr. Aida Metzenberg, who is also the director of CSUN’s genetic counseling program. I found myself not only learning about molecular genetics theories and research methods but I was also exposed to a clinical medical genetics perspective, since I shared a number of classes with the genetic counseling students. One of such classes was the Clinical Cancer Genetics course that was taught by Kathleen Blazer, a genetic counselor and head of the cancer genetics education program, and Dr. Jeffrey Weitzel, director of Clinical Cancer Genetics, both from the City of Hope, a well-known Cancer Hospital. Through this class, I learned about the different hereditary cancers and the known cancer gene mutations, as well as the clinical impact of their discovery – that today, patients with a family history are screened for these mutations, and if they are found to be positive, everything is done to prevent the disease from manifesting. This fits well with my own philosophy in medicine – that by knowing the root cause of the disease, we may be able to stop it from ever occurring, rather than employing band-aid solutions.

With my insistence to pursue research in cancer genetics, Dr. Metzenberg referred me to Dr. Victoria Cortessis, my current adviser at the University of Southern California’s Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center. As her apprentice, I am presently in the process of doing a tumor microarray study on Testicular Germ Cell Tumors to identify protein expression of a handful of candidate genes. Testicular Germ Cell Tumors (TGCTs) are the most common cancer in men aged 15 to 35 years old, and is also the leading cause of cancer deaths in men of this age range, despite its overall curability. No specific genes have been identified to contribute to TGCT pathogenesis, although a relatively high familial risk, which is about 9 to 12 times the general population in brothers of affected individuals, suggests an unmistakable genetic component. My thesis will investigate the protein expression of genes selected from mouse models. If we are able to detect a gene with a significant contribution to TGCT development, we may be able to improve prognosis of TGCTs and help in the preventive process.

An emerging interest of mine, through the context of my current research, is the involvement of RNA interference (RNAi) and posttranscriptional regulation in cancer etiology. Specifically, one of my genes of interest is HIWI, a protein found in male germ cells and in hematopoietic stem cells that is involved in posttranscriptional regulation, and is required for the production of a subset of microRNAs, which are involved in RNAi, and PIWI-interacting RNAs, with which it interacts, possibly to enable its function. I am interested in learning about other cancers where RNAi and posttranscriptional regulation are involved in the development and maintenance of the tumor. I am also agog to the prospect of using RNAi to treat cancer, probably by repressing genes that are overexpressed.

All of these experiences have led me to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology in order to do research that can facilitate a better prognosis in cancer, by evaluating candidate genes. As Benjamin Franklin said, “An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” It is my hope that by elucidating the etiology of cancer, we can cut it at its roots and prevent it from manifesting, especially in patients with a mutation associated with hereditary cancer, and who are at high risk of developing the disease. Furthermore, current clinical cancer genetics, though facilitative, have the potential to be sharpened further in terms of precision. With the example of BRCA1 and BRCA2, there is the possibility of the involvement of other genes and pathways in the pathogenesis of breast cancer, and if we can determine these genes, we may be able to hone the prognosis. Lastly, I am interested in unraveling the role of RNAi and posttranscriptional regulation in cancer pathogenesis, and probably its prospective role in cancer treatment.

True Love Waits...??

2009-03-02T04:20:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: This is a purely opinionated blog, and if you think you disagree with me, tell me why, and I'll accept that. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, and everyone should respect that. So, no flames please.

I recently got an invitation on facebook to a group called "True Love Waits..." Other than the fact that I was initially turned off by the unnecessary use of ellipses in the group's name, I was boggled by the idea that "True Love Waits." What does that mean? The first thing that came to mind was that True Love is waiting somewhere out there for you, and that there are numerous possibilities for you to find it, and that you shouldn't worry, coz it will only stop waiting for you when you ultimately find it.

But my interpretation was dead wrong. Upon visiting the group's webpage, the description said that the members believe that True Love waits till marriage to have sex.

Okayyyyyyy...

So I denied the invitation. End of story. *Bow*

...just kidding!

But I did deny the invitation. I believe that sex is a necessary part of a relationship, and one that should be consensual and not hindered by something such as marriage. I do believe that sex should neither be the start of a relationship, nor should it be the foundation. Sex should be the apogee of a relationship, the epitome of physical intimacy, and the most esoteric and ethereal medium through which love is conveyed. And if sex is the next level towards which the relationship is rocketing, I don't think it should be impeded by religion, or society, or marriage. Because eventhough sex is the apogee, it is still yet another breaking point in a relationship, since I believe that sex is one of the crucial cogs of a long-term reationship.

Now I do not patronize pre-marital sex, but I don't condemn it either. It depends on the situation, and what responsibilities a couple can tolerate once sex has become a part of their relationship (because obviously, sex means babies and STDs).

What I'm most disappointed by is the fact that some people marry early for the sake of sex. And once a couple finds out that they're not sexually compatible, the marriage deteriorates. Some people might find that the sex keeps on improving, and that the first time is usually the worst, but how can we be so sure?

I believe that the condemnation of pre-marital sex is just another way of controlling the population, but as we zoom in on the more educated folks, it doesn't quite apply. We are neither animals, nor are we maleducated. To me, religion should be like parenting. Our parents impose rules for us to know what's wrong or right, but as we grow and gain knowledge, they let go of us, because they trust that we can do the right thing. Religion has its rules, protocols and beliefs, but I believe that our free will enables us to tread our own paths to salvation.

And what about the people who don't have the right to marry? When will they be able to enjoy sex? Bah humbug!

Valentine's Day Post

2009-02-13T09:55:00.000+08:00

I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Or have I been searching in not the best of places?

But with what I certainly do know, the people I've tried to develop a relationship with aren't really what I've been looking for. Maybe I'm just uber-selective.

Maybe I am too young, and maybe I am too mature, or maybe I am too fast or too driven, but I know what I want in life, and somehow my priorities are listed right in front of me.

But if something, or someone, just knocked everything over, I might change my mind. But who is worthy enough? Is anyone worthy enough?

TWENTY-FIVE Things About Me.

2009-01-01T10:52:00.000+08:00

TWENTY-FIVE. The number might seem meager to you but it takes quite a lot for me to churn all of these out. So, enjoy as I tear down the walls to my mind just enough to present a window of opportunity for you to actually know me better.

1. I believe in Rockist ideologies, which gives the most respect to musicians and artists who make their own stuff from the ground up, starting everything from scratch. Pertaining to musicians, I am always drawn to personalities who make and perform their own music. Although there are some singers out there who can really belt it out, I still believe that no one can convey the song as accurately as the person who wrote it.

2. I'm pretty skeptical about other people editing my work. I mean, critiques are always welcome, but I don't like it when people try to change my words and how I arrange my ideas. As much as possible, I want to preserve my own style - which includes my choice of words, and how I arrange my ideas. But usually people like to change the words to something that they like better, which is a bit subjective. When I edit work (and I've had my fair share of editing while doing student council work), I do my best to actually preserve the original author's choice of words. I guess there's a thin line between editing, and re-writing the actual thing.

3. I think I'll die if I write a paragraph for each number on this list.

4. My Mom recently passed away, and my tears have stopped. However, I still am reminiscing moments I had with my Mom - both the good and the bad. I think I will cry more tears when I meet my family and go back to Bacolod. I hope to continue her legacy, and dedicate my career, and what I will discuss in the next number for her.

5. I have somehow made a commitment to myself, and eventually to my family and some close friends, that I will be doing a lot of lecturing, teaching, and conducting seminars, for the betterment of science and especially cancer awareness. Most professors often tell me that I have a distinct talent in verbal communication (I thank my Papa for training me!), and I very well intend to use it to be a good citizen (both in the US and in the Philippines!).

6. I would usually ask myself, in times of emotional despair, why I'm not crying. I guess I'm not the type who really cries. Perhaps it is my fatalism and rationalism that keep me level-headed. Or maybe I am just detached from this world.

7. I've been in somewhat an artistic hiatus - I haven't written songs or really played the piano for months now. So let me revive the saying, "I yearn for an artistic orgasm."

8. Somehow I am now truly interested in politics. Surely, it is a dirty world, but there are some promises.

9. Recently, I've been attracted to electronica music (because I like Imogen Heap so much). But of course, I am always going after the layered pop/rock format.

10. I hate bigotry, though I encounter it everywhere.

11. I am searching for a cinema buddy. Application forms are available... just email me lolz.

12. During my senior years in high school, I was actually planning to become a psychiatrist. I even started reading a psychology textbook on my own, just to get a feel of it.

13. I believe that Normalcy is just a product of a society's collective hysteria, and completely agree with W. Somerset Maugham, that "it is the normal that is uncommon."

14. I find it cliche when someone asks me if I'm a Nurse, or taking up Nursing, because I am Filipino (mostly fellow Filipinos ask me this).

15.If I wasn't so passionate about the health sciences, perhaps I would have studied engineering or physics. During my senior high school year, Physics was my favorite subject.

16. I really hate it if people underestimate my capabilities.

17. I get really frustrated when I'm trying to tell somebody something, and they disagree, but then their reason has nothing to do with the argument. An example was when I was talking to my Aunt, and she was insisting that I talk to my Mom's doctors directly. I told her that I was already reading literature, e.g. medical journals, case reports, epidemiology reports, and results of clinical trials. She fired back that research doctors only think about their research (although I never said that I consulted research doctors).

18. A year and a half is really a long time. Going back to the Philippines after staying in the US for that long, I have found so many changes, and feel like the roads have grown narrower.

19. I believe that sex is the apex of a relationship. I do not believe that sex should be the means to maintain a serious relationship, but rather, is the transcendental gateway that a couple will eventually cross to partake in the epitome of physical intimacy.

20. I'm kinda piqued by people saying that I'm talkative. In high school and elementary, I was known more as the reticent type. I'm not entirely shy or withdrawn, but if I trust you, then I will continue to initiate a conversation with you.

21. Upon immigrating here to the US, I became unsure about where my "home" really is. However, after coming back from the Philippines, I felt comforted to be back in the US. Does that mean that L.A. is now my home? Perhaps, but I still think I'll be moving every now and then, until I ultimately settle down. (Oh and I'm pretty sure that where I'm staying now in Panorama City isn't home at all.)

22. I'm not entirely the most organized or obsessive-compulsive person, but I do believe that cleaning must be done every now and then, and that there is a place for everything, and everything should be in its place.

23. I am commonly attracted to angst-ridden situations in literature. I constantly write about it too. I knew angst before "emo" became popular. To me angst is the feeling of something that is about to burst, but won't. Something that seems so near and tangible, but when your hands reach out to touch it, they pass right through.

24. I have dreamed four times about my Mom, after she passed away. The first time, I saw and her and asked her why she is still alive, because she had been embalmed already. She told me she was a rare miraculous case of people coming back from the Dead. The 2nd time, I had a nightmare, and was left in a room that was shaking and thundering, and I was calling out for my Mom. The third time, I remember just seeing her and telling her, "That's the way it is," although I do not remember what was the context. The fourth time, which was pretty recent, I saw my Mom as very youthful and free of scars. I told her that I missed her, hugged her and cried in her arms.

25. Sometimes I hum or vocalize random tunes from my mind, which maybe original, or something from a song I've heard. It's completely subliminal sometimes.

I tag:
Jomar, Cheyenne, Kaye, Melvin, Paolo D, Armen, Toni, Joaqs, Adam G., Greg, Rheena, Repo, Jasper, Christopher, Domdom, Thomas, Lawrence, Kenneth, uhh... did I forget anyone? If you want to do this and are not listed, go ahead!

Surfacing...

2008-12-16T11:04:00.000+08:00

The past three months have been no less than hell for me, but at least now I am done with the semester. I just had my last final today and I'm not so sure if I did well, but my pre-Final grade was above average, so I'm hoping at the very least to get a B+.

It's just been really frustrating and filibusterous. The real question is: Why can't I enjoy what other 21-year-olds are enjoying? Why does my cross have to be way heavier than theirs?

There are four important responsibilities that I am juggling as of the moment: School, thesis/work, applications to PhD programs, and taking care of my Mom. All of them are equally important, and I've cried a handful of times because I have to sacrifice one thing over the other. It's unfair how so much responsibility has been thrown upon me, and I can't quite have time to recalibrate myself and smell the roses, or at the very least, smell the aroma of burnt coffee in the morning.

But anyway, I can't stop dreaming of the future.

I've been applying to PhD programs in San Francisco and L.A., and I am really wanting to move to the Bay Area (Stanford or UCSF? I overlooked Berkeley's deadline, which makes me EXTREMELY disappointed).

Why the Bay Area? Because I like the climate and the culture. It's far more metropolitan than L.A., and isn't restrained by the conservatism of a suburban population. It's just more open-minded than L.A. Nuff said. A friend and I agreed - there's no such thing as "normal" in San Francisco. There might be no such thing as "normal" in downtown L.A. as well, but I'm doubtful about the suburbs!

Nonetheless, If I am going to stay in L.A., I at least want to move out of suburbia. I want to be where all the action is. I've applied to USC, and will apply to UCLA, Caltech, and City of Hope.

However, my top 2 choices are Stanford and UCSF. Gosh, I just so want to move to San Francisco. It's more than just the culture and climate, but I want to escape the suburban restraint of L.A. Those who know me will probably know the source of this.

Drowning

2008-10-25T12:47:00.000+08:00

Wow, so I guess it's been quite a long while since I've posted anything up. I have been really busy, really drowned in work, school, and my duties as the caretaker of my Mom while she's here in the US. So now I will give a brief enumeration of all that's been going on so far, and some thoughts and ramifications:

1. My Mom will be starting external beam radiation therapy (LINAC) in mid-November, and she will be receiving radiation on a daily basis, from Monday to Friday, for 6 weeks. After this, she will have a resting period of 3 weeks (which is when we hope to go back to the Philippines and celebrate Xmas and New Year), and then she will be starting with chemotherapy and this is when the clinical trial will start.

2. We are moving back to Panorama City, where we initially stayed last year from June to September. It's the house of my Aunt's mom, who has passed away and had been living in a nursing home since December 2007.

3. I will be filing for an extended leave of absence from my tutoring work at Sylvan, since they only schedule me in the weekends now, and I work just 2 to 6 hours a week. I am already working a lot at USC, and I feel that without Sylvan, I may have the freedom to do more hours at USC and end up having more income. I shall be blogging about my teaching experience soon enough.

4. I am drowned in schoolwork and thesis. Each week I have a presentation, a midterm, a paper, or a combination of at least two of those three.

5. Please vote NO on Proposition 8 (The ban on gay marriage). Vote for Equal Rights! A current poll shows that people who are against Prop. 8 are leading 52% to 44%. California, let's show the world what it's like to live where discrimination is a thing of the past!

6. I have been observing the US Presidential Campaigns under a microscope, and I have pretty much finalized my choice since the end of the last Presidential Debate. Even though my whole family is Republican (and bullishly so), I am advocating for Barrack Obama.

That's all for now. I am planning to post an article about Genetic Responsibility of parents sooner or later, perhaps when I have the time.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for my Mom. She is in good hands now and I am making sure that I am present when she talks with the doctors.

So what if I have a stalker?

2008-10-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

I find it a bit preposterous how people are reacting to this so-called "stalker" lurking around multiply. It's a bit counterintuitive, since multiply pages aren't meant to be private profiles, unless you wanted it to be, and you should have tweaked the necessary settings so that only the people you know can see your page.

By setting up our profiles on multiply and other social networking sites, do we not intend to publish them to the world wide web? Isn't our goal to have our blogs, pictures, songs, etc., be viewed and perhaps perused by other people, some of whom we may not know? Therefore, by setting up a multiply page, one should have put into consideration the fact that a lot of other people have the ability to access the site, and if one doesn't desire such publicity, then one should have issued the necessary privacy settings.

I don't care how many times this new "stalker" views my page, whether he be some sort of glitch on the multiply system or a real person viewing several pages in a day. For all I care, he has the privilege to do so, and that privilege was given to him by me, since my multiply is practically viewable to anyone.

Knowing that other people can view my multiply, I make sure that the more private issues are reserved for contacts or selected people only. Otherwise, I publish knowing that anyone in the world with a computer can access it. It's fun in a way - some people whom I don't even know can message or comment, and I can make new friends that way. I even made a friend out of a guy from Brazil who seems to like the original compositions that I have uploaded (wink wink).

If you're so afraid of this stalker scrutinizing your page, why did you put it up in the first place? Why didn't you specify your privacy settings if you wanted only your friends to view your account?

As Catherin Tate, as Lauren Hooper, says so condescendingly everytime, "I AIN'T BOVVERED!"

My Mom's Status

2008-10-06T02:30:00.000+08:00

First, I would like to thank everyone who have dedicated their thoughts and prayers for the welfare of my Mom. I believe that our communal effort will benefit her in one way or another.

My mom underwent total thyroidectomy with removal of the surrounding lymph nodes last Sept. 26, 2008. Her biopsy results were available by last Wednesday, and the prognosis (outlook) of the disease is quite bleak: she was diagnosed with Anaplastic Thyroid Carcinoma, and it has invaded most of her thyroid (left and right glands, and isthmus). The surrounding lymph nodes (which are practically considered as the gateways that indicate if the disease has spread or not) have been completely replaced by cancerous anaplastic tissue. Therefore, the possibility that the disease has spread to other organs is quite high.

Anaplastic Thyroid Carcinoma is probably the most aggressive form of thyroid cancer. It spreads quickly and is likely to recur when surgically removed. The primary site of metastasis are the lungs. Heavy invasion of the neck area by the tumor is usually the hardest thing to deal with clinically, and is usually the cause of death.

For now, she has been released from the hospital and is recovering from her thyroidectomy. The doctors were gonna wait 2 weeks before they start with imaging and chemotherapy, but I insisted that they should immediately do CT, MRI, or sonography as surveillance for metastasis.

I have found that there is a clinical trial going on in USC Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center, where I work as a research assistant and thesis student. It is testing for the safety and efficacy of a triplet combination of chemotherapy drugs against comparable standard treatment. If she meets the eligibility criteria, it might be best for her to fly here and have her treatment.

I pray that the disease has not spread to other organs, and that my Mom will have a better prognosis than the worst-case scenario. Again, I would like to ask for your thoughts and prayers in these times of hardships.

Thank you so much.

Please pray for my Mom.

2008-09-17T13:49:00.000+08:00

Everyone,

I would like to ask for your thoughts and prayers. My mom was diagnosed last Friday with thyroid cancer. At this stage, we do not know what type of thyroid cancer it is and to what extent it has invaded the thyroid, the surrounding lymph nodes, and if any metastasis has occurred.

She had been complaining of constrictions in her neck, swelling, and fatigue, and decided to have a check-up. Biopsies of her thyroid revealed malignant cells.

She will be undergoing total thyroidectomy on Aug. 26, 2008, and radioactive iodine may need to be administered as adjuvant therapy.

There are two categories of thyroid cancer according to clinical magnitude. The first set are the differentiated thyroid carcinomas, which consist of papillary and follicular thyroid carcinoma. Papillary is the most common, followed by follicular, and the two are highly curable, with a 20-yr disease-free survival rate of 97%. The second set are the undifferentiated thyroid carcinomas, consisting of anaplastic thyroid carcinoma which may consist of giant cell or small cell cancer. These are rare but present a very aggressive form of disease. It has high recurrence rates and high incidence of metastasis to the brain and lungs. Classification is based on the histopathology of the tumor. Risk factors for thyroid cancer include history of goiter (which my Mom had), family history of goiter and/or thyroid cancer, female sex, and Asian race.

Histopathological examination of the biopsy samples from my Mom were ambiguous (the pathologist said it might be papillary or anaplastic), but we are praying that it's papillary, which is more curable.

I am awaiting the path reports that my Dad has promised to send me so I could find out more about the diagnosis.

Thank you so much.

Remembering DLSU

2008-09-01T02:08:00.000+08:00

What section were you?
Focus 2004 NO8 lol

Who were your seatmates?
First year? Most often Zhang Qi, Toni, Dex, and then later on, Kat, Yani, Arcie, Rizza, Jane, Gobbi...lol

Still remember your english teacher?
We had 3. The first one was Michelle Raquel. She was a young teacher and I got a 4.0! Second and third ones, I don't remember their names. the second one I just remember having Kris Laura as my partner and then the third one, I remember losing a debate, and when I asked the teacher why, she said it's because of God.

What was your first class?
Math111. lol.

Who were your bestfriends?

In the block? Dexter, Kat, Jane, Gobbie, Rizza, Arcie, Toni... hehehe

Who was your crush back then?

(Let me reiterate the "BACK THEN") Kris Laura

Made friends to the higher years?

Sure! Dandi, Topher, Ice, Elleesse...

Had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

not at all

How was your class schedule?
Crazy.

Who was/were your favorite teacher?
Dr. Moreno, Dr. Enriquez, Ms. Manzano, Sir Voc, Ms. Eve, Sir Dennis Erasga, Dr. Vallar, Dr. Cuansing, Dr. Santiago...

What sport did you play?
I used to swim with Jomar and Law... but that lasted for a few weeks only. I also hit the gym a couple of times...

Did you always buy your lunch?
Yup, until I moved to a condo.

Were you a party animal?
nope

Were you well known in your school?
Infamously so.

Skip classes?
of course, with or without reason. hehehehehe

Did you get suspended/expelled?
nahh

Can you sing the alma mater?
sure. I've been singing it since I was in Prep

What was your favorite subject?
All Medical Physics subjects lol... Introso, COMPLAB...

What was your school's full name?
De La Salle University-Manila

Where did you go often during breaks?
back to the dorm or condo, if not, COMELEC office, Agno, Z2

If you could go back in time and do it all over, would you?
sure

What do you remember most about 1st yr?
boring RELSONE, CWTS (uggghhhh), complete pa yung block... Proactive-ness (too many orgs), Math114... lolz...

"...Trying to figure out the goddamn melody."

2008-07-15T08:19:00.000+08:00
"Maybe God really isn't some scowling, gay-hating deity raining down guilt and judgment and fear on all humankind after all. Maybe she's actually a throb, a pulse, a song, deep, complex, eternal. And us, well, we're just bouncing and swaying along as best we can, trying to figure out the goddamn melody."

- Mark Morford, San Francisco Chronicle

"Sounds very much like you."
- Thomas, upon reading the quote which I had handed over for him to assimilate.

I don't write to be criticized.

2008-07-12T13:03:00.000+08:00
I know that there are probably people out there who, upon browsing through my poetry and songs, will find it unmetered, unstructured, and asphyxiating. They might find my rhyming out of place or out of essence. They might think that these aren't poems, but just prose broken by line breaks.

Well, I agree with them.

But then again, I would probably understand by then that they don't get the true meaning of why I write my poems. Perhaps they've scrutinized every letter, every syllable, every word of my poems, but I believe they haven't read it at all.

When people are trying to find perfection, they forget how beautiful flaws are and how necessary they are in our human lives.

I do not wish to be criticized for my work, neither do I wish to be praised. It may sound selfish, but I do not write these poems to entertain people. I do not write these poems with any intent to publish them or gain money. I write these poems to come into terms with the multitude of emotions that I encounter everyday. I write because I want to stretch the limits of how I can put my feelings into words, and the limits of how abstract and untouchable things can be made into something a bit more real.

If people can't grasp that, then I'm sorry to say that they have overlooked me, no matter how obvious I can be.

Condensing

2008-07-05T13:46:00.000+08:00
Comments are always welcome. The story behind this is rather personal and the poem itself is very anecdotal. It's probably a trickle of what I want to say versus the river of emotions that I'm actually feeling. Shall I be condensing, then?

Condensing

By J. Charles Lacson

As this last shot is burning down my throat,
I think of sliding my tongue against yours.
I wonder if this is the freedom I have sought,
Or has my self-containment become worse?

My drunken mind conspires for pleasure,
I somehow know it won’t pull through,
But as I carefully plan out my measures,
I’m just hoping that my dreams will come true.

So don’t bring me back to my bed yet.
I have something to tell you first,
I may be swirling around the carpet,
But my mind’s strong enough to lift this curse.

Because I want to stop pretending,
You have to know who I really am.
I want you to see that I’m condensing.
Maybe then we’ll change or we’ll stay the same.

Because I want to stop my hiding,
You have to know what I really am,
I want you to see that I’m condensing,
Maybe then we’ll break or we’ll stay the same.

Celebrating the 21st

2008-07-01T12:54:00.000+08:00
Before anything else, I would like to thank everyone who greeted me on my Birthday last June 24. I have to say, this was one of the best birthdays I've ever had (considering how the last one really sucked).

So, thanks to Thomas, I sorta had a week-long celebration and I enjoyed it so much. It started on Tuesday, the date of my 21st birthday. I took the day off from work, and I had to pick up my brother from his hotel. It was lucky how his flight schedule accomodated my birthday. In the evening, I had dinner at Pagoda Inn Restaurant, which served Chinese food. Aunt Loyce, Manong Marc, Michelle, Tita Bebet, Manong and Thomas were there, and we enjoyed some good Chinese food that was surprisingly fresh and not too oily. we had Peking Duck, Sweet and Sour Pork, Kung Pao Beef, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken Chow Mein. On top of that, I enjoyed my meal with Hot Sake, which was almost not served because they didn't think I was 21 yet.

After we dropped off my brother back to his hotel, the night was still young, so Thomas and I decided to get a pack of beer and go to the beach. Unfortunately, there were no parking spaces in Sta. Monica Beach, and we only parked in a no parking area for a few minutes, went as close to the ocean without losing sight of the car (for fear of it being towed away), and drank one bottle each of Heineken.

On the way back, we decided to do some exploring. We drove through Santa Monica, Beverly Hills and Westwood, but unfortunately, we were clueless as to where the nightlife was. It was a big mistake to drive down Sunset Blvd. Just a few minutes after midnight, we were driving through Bel Air, and the trash bins were all on the side of the road. We then heard a loud bang and noticed that the passenger's side mirror had been detached. Apparently, I ran into a stick of some sort that was jutting out into the road. There goes $170 for the side mirror (Good thing I didn't pay for it).

The next significant thing to happen was on Friday. I had work in the morning, and I got off around lunch time, so I had lunch with Tita Bebet. I then dropped her off at the Greyhound station since she was going back to Fallon. After dropping her off, I went back home, and Thomas and I went to the Cinema to see Wanted (It's such a hot movie) and Indiana Jones (Weird ending; too clean-cut or Geoge Lucas-esque for me).

On Saturday, Thomas invited his posse to join us at the beach. We initially planned on having a barbeque at the beach, but then we learned that barbequing is not allowed. So, we did some body surfing. The last wave that hit was probably more than twice my height, and it totally knocked me and everyone else down. I somersaulted four times underwater. That was the last of it. After that our backs were aching and our legs were shaking. So we rested for a while, and decided to play volleyball (I'm so good at serving) and then touch American football (I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I'd rather do the real kind of football). After a few games, we then decided to go to the shopping center and have dinner. After being denied entrance to one of the bars (Thomas, and another guy in our group were under 21), we ended up eating in Hooters, where I had the worst birthday celebration in a restaurant ever. They made me stand on a chair and flap my arms like a chicken while they sang their birthday song. It was more of a public humiliation than a celebration. I didn't even get any cheesecake or anything, like what other restaurants would do.

After dinner, we decided to stroll down to the Santa Monica Pier and see the street performers. One guy that amazed me was this One-Man Band Japanese guy. He played his guitar, 2 keyboards, bass, harmonica, 3 sets of percussion, tamborine, and sang at the same time. Now that's talent!

One of the performers, before starting his act, announced, "We're going through a recession. I need your money." He then went around the audience with a bucket, asking for money. When people wouldn't give him anything, he would say "Look to the ocean!" while pointing at the bay, probably implying that people who didn't pay couldn't see his show, which was a mediocre balancing act not worth my dollar. Upon passing him the second time, one of the guys said, "It's not an ocean, it's a bay!" Then we went back home.

On Sunday, Thomas and I woke up late but we were still able to catch the UEFA Championships game. Spain won against Germany, 1-0. I have to say that Spain was doing more of the offense, and when Germany got the chance, a foul was cried out. I don't think it was an exciting game at all, and I believe that Spain's goal was just a lucky shot.

In the afternoon, we had a barbeque in the backyard with the housemates. Thomas had prepared some pork shoulder cuts and chicken breasts which were marinated for two nights. He put Papayas, milk, melons, tomatoes, onions, garlic, and spices in the marinade and it made the meat very tender. We didn't even need knives to slice it. It was certainly delicious. He also made some meatballs from ground pork sausage, and added some spices, and they were the crowd favorite, along with my buttered toast (wheat bread + "I can't believe it's not butter" can sell like hot cakes!).

All in all, it was a 21st birthday to remember. I had all the drinks I could get: Sake, Heineken, Premium Margarita, Budweiser, and Pinot Grigio. After it was all done, I thanked Thomas for planning everything (somewhat). It was so thoughtful of him to do all that stuff. I shall return the favor when he celebrates his birthday too.

A Sorta Fairytale

2008-06-10T12:01:00.000+08:00
10 Random Facts About Me.

I got tagged coz of Jomar.

Rules:
I. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.

II. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules.

III. At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names.

1. I had just passed the driver's license exam, so now I can legally drive in the US! Last Saturday Thomas and I drove to the Getty and then down to Santa Monica Beach. I've never experienced being crashed on by waves that were as tall as me, and then some! T'was a liberating experience, all in all.

2. I am now troubled by the fact that I may be able to graduate with my masters by spring of next year. I am not ready to go into medical school in fall of 2009. I am planning to enroll into a PhD program first, and then change my objective after a year and apply for the MD-PhD program.

3. Kissing and holding hands appeal to me more than sex does.

4. I had recently downloaded the 90's Xmen cartoon series (Seasons 1-5!) and I've watched all of it! Hee!

5. I've kinda realized how aristocratic my childhood was. I don't blame my parents, nor do I regret having an "ivory tower" childhood. When people share their stories about how mischievous they were, or how they got into trouble, I could only say that I was a good boy who obeyed the rules and pretty much stayed at home.

6. I'm gonna go on a shopping splurge soon! Best thing about it is I won't be spending my own money! Yay!

7. I have a new housemate who claims that he works for the Writers' Guild of America, and he writes scripts and lyrics (but not music). I have decided not to tell him that I write songs too, for reasons of security. I don't trust him, and neither does Thomas.

8. I will be turning 21 on the 24th of June. (Mark your calendars!) So, I'll be legally able to drink in the US! Woo hoo!

9. I have concluded that going to the US has given me more opportunity rather than failure. I am optimistic about finishing my masters and establishing a career in cancer research.

10. I am actually interested in histopathology nowadays. I think Pathology is a very interesting area of medical science.

I tag: Kaye, Rheena, Cheyene, Toni, Dom, Adam and anyone who views this blog. You are cursed forever until you do so (I'm cruel like that. I know.)

Teaching Minds, Touching Hearts

2008-05-25T13:52:00.000+08:00
As I have mentioned in my previous blog, I have a lot of stories to tell. And this one is dedicated to what I have been experiencing at work.

To remind y'all, I've been working at Sylvan, Inc. for more than 8 months now, and I have been teaching a LOT of math, everything from basic arithmetic to pre-calculus and even basic calculus. I've also been teaching science: earth science, chemistry, biology, and physics. I've even tutored a college student in college chemistry 2.

Well, let me say that I've encountered a very diverse set of students. Some are very troublesome, and I would suspect them of having a psychological disorder of some sort, such as ADHD. Some are hardworking geniuses, and then some are fairly smart kids who only do enough to pass, when they can actually do more.

One thing that I have realized is that each of my students have their own personality, and their own pace and style of learning. One of them, for example, hated his teacher, and was practically misunderstood. He says he gets all F's in school. But as I work with him, he gets all A's when I give him exercises. What made the difference? I guess some students need to be understood and accepted for who they are, before you can force some serious information into their minds.

I sometimes am amazed at how I have been able to sympathize with my students. I guess the best attitude is to consider the best out of people, not the worst. Some students are highly talkative. They would rather talk about their favourite band, or how their teacher hates them than learn. I let them be, for the most part, but at the end of the day, I guess listening to them and communicating with them is an essential part of teaching them.

I was saddened to know that one my students, the one that gave me a brownie before (see my previous blog entry), had quit. He is the one who gets F's in school but A's with me. I am saddened that he has been misunderstood, and that he could do better, if only given a different way to learn things.

I sometimes share my frustrations with my Boss, and she always says that as long as I've done my best, then it will probably make an impact, no matter how little, in the lives of my students. For me, the ultimate goal is to inspire these students to do their best as well, and to open their minds to the world at large.

I've never imagined that teaching could be so tiring and challenging yet awe-inspiring. I never imagined that I could actually follow in the footsteps of St. La Salle. With my experience in Sylvan, I guess I have developed an affinity for teaching as an occupation (but I still know that I can do much more by having a career in medical research). Perhaps in the future I will find myself in front of a class (most likely college students), and not only teaching them science, but also touching their hearts and inspiring them to explore the world as they have never done before.

Back in the Radar

2008-05-19T02:26:00.000+08:00
It's been two weeks since my last blog entry, and I haven't been in touch with a lot of people. You see, final exams do that to you. Coupled with work, which has become more stressful, I end up arriving home feeling really exhausted. I'm often thankful that at least I could talk with my housemate, Thomas.

But now finals are over. And perhaps it has made me too much of a zombie that I seem to be having a delayed reaction for the summer break. I don't feel so free. Maybe it will hit me sooner or later.

I have news to tell.

I am now fully classified as a MS Biology student in CSUN. Previously, I have been taking classes as a postbaccalaureate - unclassified student. Now I have more privileges. I have a feeling that finishing this masters program will be the best way for me. But I'm always open to changes along the way.

I am now cementing a masters thesis project with University of Southern California's Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center, as part of the Cancer Cause and Prevention division. In a nutshell, I will be doing a population-based Genetic study of Testicular Cancer.

For the summer, however, I wasn't recruited as an intern for the National Institutes of Health, mainly because I had no connections except through my professors, who also did not have personal contact with any of the investigators who are doing research in Cancer Genetics. I am still trying to contact City of Hope however, since I know the director of Clinical Cancer Genetics, but I am not too sure about having an internship with him for the summer.

If I don't get an internship, then I will start working on my thesis. I didn't enroll for summer classe (mainly because they don't offer graduate classes in the summer).

So that's news.

I have more stories to tell, especially about work. But I shall reserve that for next time. I'm not too busy for the next few weeks, so I'll have a lot of time to blog.

Yet another display of my emo-ness...

2008-05-05T09:12:00.000+08:00
So I wrote another song and that actually lightens me up. I miss writing songs and I have just reacquainted myself with my piano. This song may be emo, but I'm quite satisfied. So, enjoy.

Evening Rain

By J. Charles Lacson

The stars are not shining tonight,
They can’t compete with this darkness inside:
The heavy storms in my heart,
Shall thunder out to you.

The sad moon is too shy to show,
The light that carries my truth, my sorrow:
The heavy words in my mind,
Shall find their way to you.

As the rain pours down ruthlessly,
The cold of the night drains me easily,
The chaos locked within me,
Shall reach out far for you.

And as the evening rain comes down,
In my emotions you shall drown,
And as you condense, you tear away,
And I shall reach out for you.

A State of Incoherence

2008-04-25T12:21:00.000+08:00

When Friends Become Strangers

2008-04-13T13:40:00.000+08:00
Now that I am situated here in Northridge, I can't help but to think about the Philippines.

Funny thing: whenever people ask me if I miss the Philippines, I say an outright "No."

However, I do miss my family and my friends, some of whom I haven't talked to in quite a while.

But because I am so distended from my hometown, I begin to wonder if I can still go back to the same sense of familiarity that I grew up with. I wonder if people will keep asking what I'm doing with my life, and why I haven't pursued the plans that I used to talk about. I wonder if they could even remember those plans. I wonder if I could still relate to them.

Not only am I contemplating about my friends from Bacolod, but also some friends whom I haven't chatted with as frequently as before.

I guess that by moving here to the US, I have opened a new chapter in the book of friendship. Of course, I will always treasure the friends that I shared my life with earler on, but they can't be here with me.

I have some new friends now, and I'm constantly interacting with people. I have a hang-out buddy and someone who can cook for me if I don't feel like preparing dinner (and I do return the favor).

Oh well... Life goes on. ^^

Jaded in Suburbia

2008-04-06T09:34:00.000+08:00
I have been living in Northridge and attending CSUN for a while now, and I have somehow gotten used to the drift of life in the Suburbs. I have initially thought of it as 'laying low' for the moment, given the circumstance that I still was very naive about the American educational system, and how I could successfully integrate myself into it.

But I have already established a foundation for myself: I've been consistent with my academics, and I've been working passionately, and I have also been doing some lab work in molecular genetics.

But I haven't been proactive. I haven't joined any student groups or organizations (mainly because I'm a graduate student) and I haven't placed myself in any roles of leadership or responsibility. Maybe I have to explore a little bit more in this area.

Furthermore, one of the feelings that I miss the most is the hustle and bustle of the city - the comfort of being close to downtown where everything is happening, and where you can find cafes that are still open at 2 o'clock in the morning.
I miss living in the city.
I miss living a proactive life.

The strongest thing to hit my head was my trip to Berkeley last Spring Break. The initial reason why I went there was to escape the drudgery of Northridge (amplified by the fact that the house was empty and no one was around to entertain me). Well, I guess, the change of environment alone, and my immersion into the people and ambiance of Berkeley was enough to drown me in excitement.

The short jaunt perhaps has rekindled my motivation to live life and challenge the drudgery, to up the ante. By going to Berkeley, I am reminded of what activities I love the most in life. It gave me some sort of nostalgia, especially because the person I stayed with is a hardworking student leader in Berkeley (love ya Greg!). I even had the chance to be a guest in some of his meetings, and those gatherings reminded me of what I used to do while I was in DLSU.

Thought being under the radar is a good thing in its own right, somehow I know that my stay in suburbian Northridge will end pretty soon. This trip to Berkeley has presented me with so many opportunities, and I'm delighted to have found out that there's so much more to do than what I'm involved in now.

Will my future take me to Berkeley? San Francisco? Palo Alto? downtown LA? I am sure it will be someplace where there is an ever-lingering aura of energy and an array of opportunities to be proactive.

Silent All These Years pt. 2

2008-03-19T03:48:00.000+08:00
The Piano

First of all, I’d like to clarify that I could never bring myself to blame anyone in particular for what happened to me when I said I was “mentally and emotionally raped.” I guess I have treated it as some sort of force of nature or an Act of God. One way or another it would have eventually and inevitably happened. I could only wish that things could have been a bit more confrontational, assertive and respectful. But perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a hard slap on the face if it hadn’t been the way it was.

Now, let me backtrack to the topic at hand. In my previous entry I stopped at the moment I found a new instrument to use in order to vent out my musical woes: The Piano. So the story continues:

It was entirely my idea to start learning a new instrument. I wish now to have started earlier in my childhood, but I can’t blame my parents for not pushing me into music at an early age. I completely understand that they didn’t want me to undergo the same kind of pressure and rigidity in learning music that they have observed/experienced. I think that if I was introduced to the piano before my teens, I would be much more skilled today and I’d be more able to translate my emotions into sonic structures.

I wanted to play the piano at first, but upon the suggestion of my Dad, my first lessons were actually for the organ. I took one summer course for it, when I was 14 going on 15. I did like playing the organ. It’s a very versatile instrument, but I was searching for something more organic, and the second time around (a year later), I chose to have a summer course for Piano.

At first, I was playing the traditional children’s songs like “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” which was the first song I ever played on the organ. But then I started to integrate my need to express myself through music into my piano. As this need escalated, I had begun to regain my musicality. I had begun to find a new voice.

In my journey I had begun to realize that playing the piano is not just about playing particular notes from sheet music, it’s not just about memorizing songs composed by other people and playing them out. Sometimes the piano can be an avatar of one’s uninhibited emotions and perspectives. I started playing the piano impromptu, with no song in mind, but with only feelings borne by my heart.

With this, I started being experimental, and I started to discover different tunes, different sounds that the piano can produce that are different from the pop songs that I am usually hearing. A good chunk of the songs produced with this mentality still remain as non-worded songs, practically because I cannot explain the embedded feelings in any other form than music and sound.

However, I started writing songs even before I learned how to play the piano. The song involved in the last entry was actually one of my early, cliché-filled and completely juvenile compositions. It’s one of those pieces that as an artist you just want to burn it out of existence, which is practically impossible since it is forever embedded in the memories of the people who were “entertained” by it.

Since I started composing songs without the piano, the initial problem was that I didn’t know how to translate the tunes in my head into notes on the piano. But then I learned how to make a tune on the piano, and add lyrics thereafter.

Happiness in a Pill?

2008-03-03T10:50:00.000+08:00
ohkhay, I got bitten yet again by another tag thingy from Jomar. I'm supposed to list down ten things that have recently happened that have made me happy. And if YOU READ THIS, you are damned to do it in your blog too.

Uhm, the following are in no particular order whatsoever:

• All my midterms are done for the while, and I got A's in all of them. (Yeah I know, totally nerdy moment).

• I got a raise at work. (Wee more cash!)

• Ice cream and movies!

• The benefits of mutualism.

• My Genetics Independent Study class has taken off and I'm doing really well.

• New haircut and new clothes. (It's Spring!)

• My first time to cook Chicken Adobo and it was the best I've tasted here!

• I reorganized my wardrobe and my room!

• I'm flying to Berkeley for the Spring Break!

• Peppermint Tea...

My 7 Peculiarities

2008-02-25T02:32:00.000+08:00
This is the 3rd time I've done this... and if anyone else should tag me maybe I might run out of peculiarities (or at least the ones that I could safely disclose here). So, I'll try my best to think of 7, despite how groggy my mind is. Even after 9 hours of sleep and a cup of coffee, I end up having a headache.

For those who are unfamiliar with this task:
The Instructions:
A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it."

1. I have a very wicked and dark sense of humor. A prime example would be when I watched the American versions of the Japanese horror movie The Grudge, and its sequel The Grudge 2. You call that scary? I was laughing my ass off everytime the grudge girl or the grudge boy appeared. It was probably because the cultural context of the movie seems misplaced in an American film starring American actors.
My housemate, Thomas, was somewhat pissed. He was jumping in fright, while I was bouncing in laughter. Bwahahahahaha.
Oh yeah, and I am a fan of Happy Tree Friends!

2. I have a very whimsical sense of phenomenology, which is probably why I have lots of stories to tell. Simple gestures, simple words, conversations, events, or even inanimate objects, can actually be blown up with context and meaning. In a nutshell, I am easily amused.
This can be seen in my poems/songs, where I become very conceptual. For example, how I can revolve around a simple picture hanging on a wall and what it means, what it symbolizes (see my previous post, "Picture Hanging on a Wall").
I love conceptualism. One simple thing can have thousands of repercussions.

3. I do not listen to Hip-Hop and Rap mostly because I cannot relate to it. The cultural undertones embedded within it are foreign, if not too radical or simply outrageous. One thing I can't get, is how rich these rappers can be, yet they're still angry, still trying to prove themselves.
They've been fighting for money, and when they already have millions, proven by the gas-guzzling hummers that they drive, and grand mansions featured on MTV cribs, they're still not contented.

4. I have a very situationist approach to life. For example, I could not say that it's a guy's job in a relationship to read between the lines of his girl's words. There are some things that are meant to be understood, and some things that are impossible to convey, even if you actually want to say it out loud.
I do not know what to expect in a relationship, mostly because I do not want to expect anything. Everything will become clearer as the actual thing is happening. There are no plans, no expectations. I should just be prepared. (I know that this doesn't make any sense at all).

5. I believe that there are some facets to my personality and characteristics that I should leave to people to find out for themselves. Some things that I wouldn't lay out on the table, but I guess as you continue to spend time with me, these things will become apparent.
Sometimes I can be so professional, and I don't just tell anyone that I write poems and songs, for example. It's not that I am ashamed of them (why should I be?), but it's just that I don't like to show off and moreover, I don't want people to stereotype me because of what I do.

6. I can never believe that a person can be too busy to spend time with you, if he/she actually cares about you. I believe if someone loves you, he/she will always find time, no matter how busy things are.
We all are busy, we all have our responsibilities to attend to, but we also have the responsibility to maintain our relationships. We can always compromise. Sacrifice, after all, is part of the deal.

7. I hate stereotypes. I hate it when people immediately assume things about you when they find out some trivial thing that is probably a tip of a pin on the tip of the iceberg which represents the totality of you.

I TAG: Toni, Domdom, Rheena, Adam, Joaqs, Meg A., ANYONE who READS this (I can't think of any other person to tag... lol... Jom has tagged them already...)