Let Me Sleep

Oh darling don't sound the alarm, just let me sleep a few more moments. My dreams are getting weirder but they're all so wildly entertaining. And if you join me we can enjoy this ethereal bliss for some more minutes. It's always comforting to have dreams where you can be anyone and there's no need to do the things you need to do. You can just be without living and dying for it.

So let me sleep awhile, and maybe I can procrastinate a little bit more. Tomorrow's another story but today I rule the throne here in the land of my dreams where I can pretty much do anything.

And wait, I didn't know, darling, your name and where you came from. Suddenly my consciousness is starting to blur. I don't feel you anymore and I think you've left the room. I guess you've left me so I can sleep so for the moment I'm thankful for that.

As the snoozed alarm goes off for the last time, suddenly I begin to become aware. I've always been alone here, darling - the door has been locked and the windows are open just enough for a breeze to freshen the room every now and then. So I wonder who you were, darling, and if you were just a part of my dream. I only caught the glimpse of your eyes, and nothing more. I cannot remember your face, your voice, your body.

The sun is already reaching through my windowblinds, and I feel it is time to get up and go. I'll never forget your eyes, darling, and perhaps I'll think about it when I have time to idle in the day.

I'm still unprepared but what the heck, I face the day. I feel the sunlight on my face and it's just another one of those things that tell you you're alive and everything's real for the most part. I see faces and faces as people pass me by, but I can never see your eyes and the gleam you had. But darling when did I look so deep into your eyes anyway?

Another day of routine, and I can't imagine anything better. But hey I still have a lot to do for perfection's sake, but darling I need you to make me better. Even your eyes can make me run an extra mile, if only I could see them again, in real life, or whatever they call it.

So let me sleep again and maybe I can have the chance to see you, and your eyes and their gleam, darling. Let me sleep again so I can revel in the weirdness of my dreams, and the unlimited possibilities of the surreal. Don't sound the alarm darling, just look me in the eyes and I'll die, I'll kill and maim! Your glassy eyes, we will stare into each other, till infinity passes by.

Spontaneous Mortification

From my last blog entry:

I have just started to feel mortified for a relationship that ended two and 3/4 years ago. All this time I've been suspended in optimistic nothingness. I thought death was the best explanation, but it actually is - death of the relationship. There was no good-bye, no declaration. I don't have any regrets, though, coz I just found out the truth, and it's better that way.

More explanations:

This was an online L.D. relationship, and it stopped when somehow my messages didn't get to that someone. They weren't received and maybe something was wrong with the system. I was deleted and re-added as a contact but that didn't solve it. Or at least that was what I was told. And eversince I have never seen that person online. Websites and profiles have never been updated, and emails, never replied. I pretty much concluded death because of a dangerous profession. Was probably hit by a machete while on assignment, which happened before, but luck was able to shine down and prevent it. I guess lady luck didn't come and visit a second time.
However I recently found out that I had been blocked or deleted...

I wrote a song about my feelings (before I assumed death, and before I knew I was blocked or deleted). And somehow now I feel so mortified and I feel that the song doesn't serve (or has already served) its purpose. Which is why I'm planning to deconstruct it and make a new song that will probably have remorse in it instead of angst.
I've been trying to deconstruct the tune first, which is really hard. I'm planning to base it on the original but with a darker, angrier, more haunted tone.

Here is the original (written December 2004), I'll post a Part Deux of it soon:

Since September

By J. Charles Lacson

In the summer, do you want a journey?
When the days are beautiful and sunny,
Let us go to the fields left by the spring,
Lie in contemplation, our minds stirring.

Let us swim in lakes and imagine
We would be going to Atlantis,
And loot a lucrative figurine,
And sell it hot like those Ferraris.

But it’s been since that long September,
When the last thing I could remember,
Was the grin I had knowing we’ll meet again,
But I never ever met you in the end…

And now it’s winter and I’m on fire,
My heart in despair in times of dire,
I’ve been longing to be doused by you,
Coz I’m crazy and I’ve nothing to do.

And maybe I just want to talk to you,
The sad weeks turn to months as I miss you.
I want to live again where from two till two,
I would talk about the world, lying next to you.

And it’s been since that strange September,
When summer ended with all its splendor,
The grin I had on my face has faded away,
Even still I'm waiting for the day...

The Game of 7 Weird Things

I got tagged by Toni and Kaye... so...

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 humorous random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1.) I have just started to feel mortified for a relationship that ended two and 3/4 years ago. All this time I've been suspended in optimistic nothingness. I thought death was the best explanation, but it actually is - death of the relationship. There was no good-bye, no declaration. I don't have any regrets, though, coz I just found out the truth, and it's better that way.

2.) I have this compulsive urge to turn off things that I don't use, lights most especially. But hell I could have my laptop on all night because I'm downloading something. So say I'm semi-conservative.

3.) [I got this idea from Kaye's entry] I have this pet peeve about people wearing exactly the same shirt that I'm wearing. If presented with such a situation, I often say to myself or to someone close "Burn that shirt!!!" This is why I always want a shirt that is unique and not everyone has it. I don't like buying shirts that are on display and right at the front (except if they really look good).

4.) I can be very picky if I shop at a store without anything in mind to buy (like if I'm shopping with my family or friends and have nothing else to do). I could spend one hour trying on different clothing, but then I'd end up not buying anything at all (mostly because I didn't plan on buying anything in the first place). I usually research before making a serious purchase.

5.) I can reach soprano scale with my falsetto voice. Which is wildly amusing, and oftentimes screechingly annoying. But hey, I don't sing so much in pure falsetto anymore.

6.) I am weirded out by people wearing knee-length socks, athletic polyester shorts and oversized t-shirts, almost always wearing the same color/s from head to toe (sometimes with a bandana).

7.) I just learned today that Tommy Hilfiger isn't racist (search it on youtube, he was on Oprah). Well, I returned a Tommy Hilfiger bag mom was about to buy without mentioning anything... sshhh... keep quiet. And I don't buy Abercrombie and Fitch because they're racist and teach kids how to do orgies.

I tag:
1. Jomar
2. Melvin
3. Chi
4. Law
5. LA
6. Ayah
7. Cheyene (Kaye tagged you too so just do one list of 7 for the both of us!)

I am Enraged

Ok, I don't want to go into specifics here but some of you I'll tell in private.

Well it's just so infuriating how somebody can go so far to devastate someone else's dignity (not mine, and I don't even know the victim, but, hell, I could relate to it). I can't imagine how someone can receive pleasure or whatever personal reward from directly hammering someone else's business.

It's really ugly, like someone's smashing pianos and all I could is red. I may not be the piano, but I pretty much feel every force and every pain, and it's really pisses me off how somebody can do such a thing. I'd f***ing KILL him if I had the chance!

Because we all have the right to be protected from people who can't mind their own business. Pianos can stay as they are, you can use them for decoration and they can collect dust but please don't demolish them, thank you.

What it all boils down to is that this is a free world and it's bound to have people expressing their freedoms, maximizing it, and no one can stop that. NO ONE has the right or privilege to do so.

Insulting another person's freedom is just sooooo low.

F*** H*********. For all I know, he's an internal *** a******. Glory to the underdogs! May Athena bless us!

EMOde

Been like this for a long time. EMOde. Like in Subic in the middle of the night I was at the beach sitting on a rock, crying. Though the waves were pretty comforting I can't help but to think about my future, my love, my lack...

I think I've pretty much condensed... I wonder why I can be so needy yet so closed to the opportunity of actually meeting someone who can comfort me. Do I not trust people anymore? Maybe, or maybe, I'm just this reticent guy who's waiting for people to take the first step. So hey stranger buy me a drink.

I've enough things to worry about with my career, seeing the competition and fearing that maybe I'm not good enough. But hey let me downplay my career, coz the heart seeks more than the mind.

Somehow I was optimistic. Somehow I still am. Somehow I still think that there's a crowd out there waiting to embrace me, my thoughts, my individualist sh*t, my music, my ideals. Not just people who tolerate these, but people who understand. I need someone who understands, someone who's interested. Someone who can sift the gold from my dirty needs.

I've always been dreaming, I've always been talking to imaginary friends, imaginary lovers. I've always been talking to myself. Somehow it kills me to think what if these things will always remain in my fantasies. Somehow it kills me that I haven't found what I'm looking for.

And maybe all I need is someone who can take care of me. I just need someone who can make me the best of who I can be, someone who can encourage me all the way, and help me to push my limits.

Coz what good is life when you've no one to share it with.

I don't need people to praise me. I need people to understand me for who I am, and to know why am I doing the things I'm doing.

I need a lot of things, maybe some I don't know yet, but they're banging the back of my head.

It gets hard, and sometimes I can never stop fantasizing, just to comfort myself.

I need someone not only to talk to and vent my frustrations and joys, but I need someone I can lean on to. Chatting to people online can never simulate the reality of being with someone physically.

So whenever will I find NFFs? Or maybe for the most part I'm just so f*cking reticent and all. I can't help it. I'm not the most cheerful person on this planet.

So you could say I'm pretty vulnerable, you could say I'm pretty emo, you could say I'm downright insane and maybe I should inject myself with heroin just to numb myself, just to forget about the qualms. I know if I tried I could get into so much trouble.

But then the mind sometimes rules the heart, and I know there are things that I have to come to terms with, like my needs, my dirty needs, and the gold that I can sift from them.

Oh and thank you to the people online who have been catching my words and for being there when I need to vent out. Somehow I wonder if it would be better if you were here physically.

Say, What's Happening?

Okay, so here's a little update just because I'm always repeating myself to so many people.

Other than my review I've been planning on what to do this SY 07-08. For the moment I am starting an application for MS Biology at California State University - Northridge (CSUN), which is where I'm having my princeton review classes for the MCAT. I'm applying for the spring semester, which starts in February. I'm planning to focus on molecular biology, either of genetic diseases or contagious diseases, or cancer research.

For the fall semester, however, I'm planning to take advantage of CSUN's Open University Program. I'll be taking some courses that the biology department will want me to take before starting the program.

Why am I taking MS Biology, when I've been so expressive of my desire to be a doctor? Well it's really an alternative for me. It's pretty much the same thing, and I might even go as far as getting my own PhD. It's really interesting because I'd really like to go into research. Having mentors like Dr. Enriquez and Dr. Moreno in school really inspired me. I totally admire the lives that they are leading.

Moreover, the primary reason is that going to Medical School here in the United States is very competitive. About 3,000 students are applying for about 100+ slots in each school, so the chances of going to med school is really really slim - unless I'll have a high score in my MCAT, plus have a high CGPA, and an outstanding application. I should be in the 90th percentile or above, and I'm not so confident because the MCAT is very different. Its focus is application of concepts, which is really a step higher than the recall questions in the Philippine NMAT. Plus my CGPA isn't so high, really.

But if, and yeah, IF, I get into med school I guess I'd have to decide whether to stay and become a scientist, or become a medical doctor. Moreso IF I get a really high score, I might want to apply for the Medical Scientist Training Program, which is a combined M.D./Ph.D. track that is 7 years long.

I can really see myself in research. I can really imagine myself being a scientist.

So yeah more or less I really want that Ph.D