I'll burn it out

I'm so pleased with myself. This is the first song I've written in quite a long time now.

Nuclear

By J. Charles Lacson

Red circles whirling through my head
In candy sheets and sweetened thread.
Bitter seeds and a melting sun
Protect me from the peppermint man.

I never know
When the boiling ink will spoil my day.
I never know
When an angry breeze will blow my sail.

Can't the world just give me a chance?
Just hear me out,
Just hear me out.
Can't the world just give me some time?
I'll burn it out,
I'll burn it out.

My blood in a coffee cup
Stains his shirt and burns his crotch.
An angry voice and a sheltered mind
You could never trust them to be kind.

I never know
When a selfish god will burn my soul.
I never know
When the cloudy sky will eat me whole.


Can't the world just give me a chance?
Just hear me out,
Just hear me out.
Can't the world just give me some time?
I'll burn it out,
I'll burn it out.

My S.O.P.

This is the statement of purpose (SOP) that I used when applying to PhD programs:

Cancer is a very elusive disease since it involves various genes, pathways, and mechanisms, most of which are still being investigated. But with what we already know about Cancer, we have saved many lives and alleviated the quality of life of many terminal cancer patients. Most prominently, we have identified cancer genes such as BRCA1 and BRCA2 for breast cancer, and have been screening patients for mutations in these genes, and doing our best to prevent the disease from ever occurring. However, even with BRCA1 and BRCA2, the risk of a patient to develop breast cancer is still variable, ranging from 20-80%, indicating a possible involvement of other genes and pathways. Thus, it is mandatory to determine better prognostic markers in order to increase the efficiency of preventive medicine programs. This is the cardinal reason why I am interested in pursuing a Ph.D. in Molecular Epidemiology, or a related field involved in studying cancer pathogenesis and improving the prevention of the disease.

I was first cognizant of cancer and its treatment and diagnosis while I was completing my undergraduate degree in De La Salle University in Manila, Philippines. I majored in pre-med physics, which had a curriculum that included fundamental pre-med courses, and a concentration on basic biomedical physics courses, which explored radiation therapy, medical imaging, and medical instrumentation. The gist of my undergraduate education was the diagnosis and treatment of cancer through the application of medical physics concepts, such as in doing Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scans and the use of the Linear Accelerator (LINAC) in radiation therapy. I culminated my undergraduate studies by writing a thesis that investigated the protective effect of Vitamin E (α-Tocopherol) against X-ray(LINAC)-induced chromosome lesions in peripheral blood lymphocytes. My thesis partner and I concluded that the protective effect is significant when compared to the absence of any antioxidants, but that the avoidance of exposure is still imperative. However, The study was not published due to a limited sample size.

Nonetheless, when doing the literature review for my undergraduate thesis, the fact that chromosomal lesions can induce cancer piqued my interest. I was curious about how DNA damage causes cells to either go through apoptosis or become cancerous. This led me to pursue a Masters of Science degree in Biology at California State University-Northridge (CSUN), focusing on molecular genetics, to explore further how genes are involved in the pathogenesis of cancer, as well as other diseases. I was fortunate enough to work in the lab of Dr. Aida Metzenberg, who is also the director of CSUN’s genetic counseling program. I found myself not only learning about molecular genetics theories and research methods but I was also exposed to a clinical medical genetics perspective, since I shared a number of classes with the genetic counseling students. One of such classes was the Clinical Cancer Genetics course that was taught by Kathleen Blazer, a genetic counselor and head of the cancer genetics education program, and Dr. Jeffrey Weitzel, director of Clinical Cancer Genetics, both from the City of Hope, a well-known Cancer Hospital. Through this class, I learned about the different hereditary cancers and the known cancer gene mutations, as well as the clinical impact of their discovery – that today, patients with a family history are screened for these mutations, and if they are found to be positive, everything is done to prevent the disease from manifesting. This fits well with my own philosophy in medicine – that by knowing the root cause of the disease, we may be able to stop it from ever occurring, rather than employing band-aid solutions.

With my insistence to pursue research in cancer genetics, Dr. Metzenberg referred me to Dr. Victoria Cortessis, my current adviser at the University of Southern California’s Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center. As her apprentice, I am presently in the process of doing a tumor microarray study on Testicular Germ Cell Tumors to identify protein expression of a handful of candidate genes. Testicular Germ Cell Tumors (TGCTs) are the most common cancer in men aged 15 to 35 years old, and is also the leading cause of cancer deaths in men of this age range, despite its overall curability. No specific genes have been identified to contribute to TGCT pathogenesis, although a relatively high familial risk, which is about 9 to 12 times the general population in brothers of affected individuals, suggests an unmistakable genetic component. My thesis will investigate the protein expression of genes selected from mouse models. If we are able to detect a gene with a significant contribution to TGCT development, we may be able to improve prognosis of TGCTs and help in the preventive process.

An emerging interest of mine, through the context of my current research, is the involvement of RNA interference (RNAi) and posttranscriptional regulation in cancer etiology. Specifically, one of my genes of interest is HIWI, a protein found in male germ cells and in hematopoietic stem cells that is involved in posttranscriptional regulation, and is required for the production of a subset of microRNAs, which are involved in RNAi, and PIWI-interacting RNAs, with which it interacts, possibly to enable its function. I am interested in learning about other cancers where RNAi and posttranscriptional regulation are involved in the development and maintenance of the tumor. I am also agog to the prospect of using RNAi to treat cancer, probably by repressing genes that are overexpressed.

All of these experiences have led me to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology in order to do research that can facilitate a better prognosis in cancer, by evaluating candidate genes. As Benjamin Franklin said, “An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” It is my hope that by elucidating the etiology of cancer, we can cut it at its roots and prevent it from manifesting, especially in patients with a mutation associated with hereditary cancer, and who are at high risk of developing the disease. Furthermore, current clinical cancer genetics, though facilitative, have the potential to be sharpened further in terms of precision. With the example of BRCA1 and BRCA2, there is the possibility of the involvement of other genes and pathways in the pathogenesis of breast cancer, and if we can determine these genes, we may be able to hone the prognosis. Lastly, I am interested in unraveling the role of RNAi and posttranscriptional regulation in cancer pathogenesis, and probably its prospective role in cancer treatment.

True Love Waits...??

Disclaimer: This is a purely opinionated blog, and if you think you disagree with me, tell me why, and I'll accept that. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, and everyone should respect that. So, no flames please.

I recently got an invitation on facebook to a group called "True Love Waits..." Other than the fact that I was initially turned off by the unnecessary use of ellipses in the group's name, I was boggled by the idea that "True Love Waits." What does that mean? The first thing that came to mind was that True Love is waiting somewhere out there for you, and that there are numerous possibilities for you to find it, and that you shouldn't worry, coz it will only stop waiting for you when you ultimately find it.

But my interpretation was dead wrong. Upon visiting the group's webpage, the description said that the members believe that True Love waits till marriage to have sex.

Okayyyyyyy...

So I denied the invitation. End of story. *Bow*






...just kidding!

But I did deny the invitation. I believe that sex is a necessary part of a relationship, and one that should be consensual and not hindered by something such as marriage. I do believe that sex should neither be the start of a relationship, nor should it be the foundation. Sex should be the apogee of a relationship, the epitome of physical intimacy, and the most esoteric and ethereal medium through which love is conveyed. And if sex is the next level towards which the relationship is rocketing, I don't think it should be impeded by religion, or society, or marriage. Because eventhough sex is the apogee, it is still yet another breaking point in a relationship, since I believe that sex is one of the crucial cogs of a long-term reationship.

Now I do not patronize pre-marital sex, but I don't condemn it either. It depends on the situation, and what responsibilities a couple can tolerate once sex has become a part of their relationship (because obviously, sex means babies and STDs).

What I'm most disappointed by is the fact that some people marry early for the sake of sex. And once a couple finds out that they're not sexually compatible, the marriage deteriorates. Some people might find that the sex keeps on improving, and that the first time is usually the worst, but how can we be so sure?

I believe that the condemnation of pre-marital sex is just another way of controlling the population, but as we zoom in on the more educated folks, it doesn't quite apply. We are neither animals, nor are we maleducated. To me, religion should be like parenting. Our parents impose rules for us to know what's wrong or right, but as we grow and gain knowledge, they let go of us, because they trust that we can do the right thing. Religion has its rules, protocols and beliefs, but I believe that our free will enables us to tread our own paths to salvation.

And what about the people who don't have the right to marry? When will they be able to enjoy sex? Bah humbug!

Valentine's Day Post

I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Or have I been searching in not the best of places?

But with what I certainly do know, the people I've tried to develop a relationship with aren't really what I've been looking for. Maybe I'm just uber-selective.

Maybe I am too young, and maybe I am too mature, or maybe I am too fast or too driven, but I know what I want in life, and somehow my priorities are listed right in front of me.

But if something, or someone, just knocked everything over, I might change my mind. But who is worthy enough? Is anyone worthy enough?

TWENTY-FIVE Things About Me.

TWENTY-FIVE. The number might seem meager to you but it takes quite a lot for me to churn all of these out. So, enjoy as I tear down the walls to my mind just enough to present a window of opportunity for you to actually know me better.

1. I believe in Rockist ideologies, which gives the most respect to musicians and artists who make their own stuff from the ground up, starting everything from scratch. Pertaining to musicians, I am always drawn to personalities who make and perform their own music. Although there are some singers out there who can really belt it out, I still believe that no one can convey the song as accurately as the person who wrote it.

2. I'm pretty skeptical about other people editing my work. I mean, critiques are always welcome, but I don't like it when people try to change my words and how I arrange my ideas. As much as possible, I want to preserve my own style - which includes my choice of words, and how I arrange my ideas. But usually people like to change the words to something that they like better, which is a bit subjective. When I edit work (and I've had my fair share of editing while doing student council work), I do my best to actually preserve the original author's choice of words. I guess there's a thin line between editing, and re-writing the actual thing.

3. I think I'll die if I write a paragraph for each number on this list.

4. My Mom recently passed away, and my tears have stopped. However, I still am reminiscing moments I had with my Mom - both the good and the bad. I think I will cry more tears when I meet my family and go back to Bacolod. I hope to continue her legacy, and dedicate my career, and what I will discuss in the next number for her.

5. I have somehow made a commitment to myself, and eventually to my family and some close friends, that I will be doing a lot of lecturing, teaching, and conducting seminars, for the betterment of science and especially cancer awareness. Most professors often tell me that I have a distinct talent in verbal communication (I thank my Papa for training me!), and I very well intend to use it to be a good citizen (both in the US and in the Philippines!).

6. I would usually ask myself, in times of emotional despair, why I'm not crying. I guess I'm not the type who really cries. Perhaps it is my fatalism and rationalism that keep me level-headed. Or maybe I am just detached from this world.

7. I've been in somewhat an artistic hiatus - I haven't written songs or really played the piano for months now. So let me revive the saying, "I yearn for an artistic orgasm."

8. Somehow I am now truly interested in politics. Surely, it is a dirty world, but there are some promises.

9. Recently, I've been attracted to electronica music (because I like Imogen Heap so much). But of course, I am always going after the layered pop/rock format.

10. I hate bigotry, though I encounter it everywhere.

11. I am searching for a cinema buddy. Application forms are available... just email me lolz.

12. During my senior years in high school, I was actually planning to become a psychiatrist. I even started reading a psychology textbook on my own, just to get a feel of it.

13. I believe that Normalcy is just a product of a society's collective hysteria, and completely agree with W. Somerset Maugham, that "it is the normal that is uncommon."

14. I find it cliche when someone asks me if I'm a Nurse, or taking up Nursing, because I am Filipino (mostly fellow Filipinos ask me this).

15.If I wasn't so passionate about the health sciences, perhaps I would have studied engineering or physics. During my senior high school year, Physics was my favorite subject.

16. I really hate it if people underestimate my capabilities.

17. I get really frustrated when I'm trying to tell somebody something, and they disagree, but then their reason has nothing to do with the argument. An example was when I was talking to my Aunt, and she was insisting that I talk to my Mom's doctors directly. I told her that I was already reading literature, e.g. medical journals, case reports, epidemiology reports, and results of clinical trials. She fired back that research doctors only think about their research (although I never said that I consulted research doctors).

18. A year and a half is really a long time. Going back to the Philippines after staying in the US for that long, I have found so many changes, and feel like the roads have grown narrower.

19. I believe that sex is the apex of a relationship. I do not believe that sex should be the means to maintain a serious relationship, but rather, is the transcendental gateway that a couple will eventually cross to partake in the epitome of physical intimacy.

20. I'm kinda piqued by people saying that I'm talkative. In high school and elementary, I was known more as the reticent type. I'm not entirely shy or withdrawn, but if I trust you, then I will continue to initiate a conversation with you.

21. Upon immigrating here to the US, I became unsure about where my "home" really is. However, after coming back from the Philippines, I felt comforted to be back in the US. Does that mean that L.A. is now my home? Perhaps, but I still think I'll be moving every now and then, until I ultimately settle down. (Oh and I'm pretty sure that where I'm staying now in Panorama City isn't home at all.)

22. I'm not entirely the most organized or obsessive-compulsive person, but I do believe that cleaning must be done every now and then, and that there is a place for everything, and everything should be in its place.

23. I am commonly attracted to angst-ridden situations in literature. I constantly write about it too. I knew angst before "emo" became popular. To me angst is the feeling of something that is about to burst, but won't. Something that seems so near and tangible, but when your hands reach out to touch it, they pass right through.

24. I have dreamed four times about my Mom, after she passed away. The first time, I saw and her and asked her why she is still alive, because she had been embalmed already. She told me she was a rare miraculous case of people coming back from the Dead. The 2nd time, I had a nightmare, and was left in a room that was shaking and thundering, and I was calling out for my Mom. The third time, I remember just seeing her and telling her, "That's the way it is," although I do not remember what was the context. The fourth time, which was pretty recent, I saw my Mom as very youthful and free of scars. I told her that I missed her, hugged her and cried in her arms.

25. Sometimes I hum or vocalize random tunes from my mind, which maybe original, or something from a song I've heard. It's completely subliminal sometimes.

I tag:
Jomar, Cheyenne, Kaye, Melvin, Paolo D, Armen, Toni, Joaqs, Adam G., Greg, Rheena, Repo, Jasper, Christopher, Domdom, Thomas, Lawrence, Kenneth, uhh... did I forget anyone? If you want to do this and are not listed, go ahead!

Surfacing...

The past three months have been no less than hell for me, but at least now I am done with the semester. I just had my last final today and I'm not so sure if I did well, but my pre-Final grade was above average, so I'm hoping at the very least to get a B+.

It's just been really frustrating and filibusterous. The real question is: Why can't I enjoy what other 21-year-olds are enjoying? Why does my cross have to be way heavier than theirs?

There are four important responsibilities that I am juggling as of the moment: School, thesis/work, applications to PhD programs, and taking care of my Mom. All of them are equally important, and I've cried a handful of times because I have to sacrifice one thing over the other. It's unfair how so much responsibility has been thrown upon me, and I can't quite have time to recalibrate myself and smell the roses, or at the very least, smell the aroma of burnt coffee in the morning.

But anyway, I can't stop dreaming of the future.

I've been applying to PhD programs in San Francisco and L.A., and I am really wanting to move to the Bay Area (Stanford or UCSF? I overlooked Berkeley's deadline, which makes me EXTREMELY disappointed).

Why the Bay Area? Because I like the climate and the culture. It's far more metropolitan than L.A., and isn't restrained by the conservatism of a suburban population. It's just more open-minded than L.A. Nuff said. A friend and I agreed - there's no such thing as "normal" in San Francisco. There might be no such thing as "normal" in downtown L.A. as well, but I'm doubtful about the suburbs!

Nonetheless, If I am going to stay in L.A., I at least want to move out of suburbia. I want to be where all the action is. I've applied to USC, and will apply to UCLA, Caltech, and City of Hope.

However, my top 2 choices are Stanford and UCSF. Gosh, I just so want to move to San Francisco. It's more than just the culture and climate, but I want to escape the suburban restraint of L.A. Those who know me will probably know the source of this.

Drowning

Wow, so I guess it's been quite a long while since I've posted anything up. I have been really busy, really drowned in work, school, and my duties as the caretaker of my Mom while she's here in the US. So now I will give a brief enumeration of all that's been going on so far, and some thoughts and ramifications:

1. My Mom will be starting external beam radiation therapy (LINAC) in mid-November, and she will be receiving radiation on a daily basis, from Monday to Friday, for 6 weeks. After this, she will have a resting period of 3 weeks (which is when we hope to go back to the Philippines and celebrate Xmas and New Year), and then she will be starting with chemotherapy and this is when the clinical trial will start.

2. We are moving back to Panorama City, where we initially stayed last year from June to September. It's the house of my Aunt's mom, who has passed away and had been living in a nursing home since December 2007.

3. I will be filing for an extended leave of absence from my tutoring work at Sylvan, since they only schedule me in the weekends now, and I work just 2 to 6 hours a week. I am already working a lot at USC, and I feel that without Sylvan, I may have the freedom to do more hours at USC and end up having more income. I shall be blogging about my teaching experience soon enough.

4. I am drowned in schoolwork and thesis. Each week I have a presentation, a midterm, a paper, or a combination of at least two of those three.

5. Please vote NO on Proposition 8 (The ban on gay marriage). Vote for Equal Rights! A current poll shows that people who are against Prop. 8 are leading 52% to 44%. California, let's show the world what it's like to live where discrimination is a thing of the past!

6. I have been observing the US Presidential Campaigns under a microscope, and I have pretty much finalized my choice since the end of the last Presidential Debate. Even though my whole family is Republican (and bullishly so), I am advocating for Barrack Obama.

That's all for now. I am planning to post an article about Genetic Responsibility of parents sooner or later, perhaps when I have the time.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for my Mom. She is in good hands now and I am making sure that I am present when she talks with the doctors.